Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
