hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
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Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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