So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
