captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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