bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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