is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
