Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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