Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
