Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
