i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
