you would pick up someone in the library
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
