her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
