how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
