The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
my poor anus
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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