Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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