Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
