Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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