She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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