her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
