I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
