I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
