I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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