he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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