How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
