I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ketchup is God's man juice
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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