My Higher Power is John Stamos
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
