Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize