I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
