new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
