I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
