Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was not drunk enough for that final.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
