I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
