After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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