But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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