Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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