I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
