I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
