I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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