What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
