Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
