Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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