I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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