Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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