It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Green mimosas i think yes
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
