i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
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