i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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