I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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