I hope mine doesn't look like that
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
