Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
