Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
