he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
