i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex