I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
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My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
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Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS