Just cropdusted the office
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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