Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
