When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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