I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
