I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
