just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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