Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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