I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
