One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.