Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
