Someone shit on the floor
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
